Who can say whether these facts are things you need to know, or even should know? And while these facts may not be safe for work viewing (especially if you’re about to plug your computer in for a presentation), they could make for some interesting happy hour icebreakers off the clock. Just don’t bring us into it if you get reported to HR for being “that guy.”
You always knew they had you beat size-wise…
But suffice it to say that elephants truly have humans beat in just about every area. Memory, size, empathy, size, speed, size, and now, their dicks can grab things! They can even use them as kick stands to help reach leaves that are too high up. And just think, all yours can do is make people laugh when it gets hit with a baseball. Especially if it’s a baseball an elephant threw with his penis.
Your favorite things might have more in common than you thought.
Maybe it’s just that all good things have the same acidity? Either way, this definitely isn’t an excuse to put beer in your vagina. That would be cold and gross and probably very bad. It is something extra to think about next time you crack a cold one though, especially if it’s yeasty. Hey, we don’t make the facts, we just put them in your face and make you deal with them.
Nature really has thought of everything.
Now, none of us want to ask or imagine why Japanese researchers were ripping the penises off of earwigs. Maybe earwigs are some kind of national scapegoat, or maybe they just had a personal beef with these particular earwigs. Either way, it ended up not mattering, because earwigs have a contingency plan for this. I guess maybe they go through a lot of really contentious divorces.
There’s a reason we evolved to create plastic.
Orangutans make due with what they have. Luckily, humans don’t have to craft sex toys out of splintery wood, this is just one of the many miracles of modern science. And it’s probably the most obvious thing that separates us from animals. But honestly, watch out for the day they start to making better dildos. Because that, friends, is the day we need to call Mark Wahlberg.
Kanga and Roo never explained this.
In this episode of “Animals are Better Than Us At Literally Everything” here comes the Kangaroo. Not only could it probably beat Floyd Mayweather in a boxing match, but the Duggars have nothing on these procreators. Female kangaroos, or “does”, can stay pregnant continually, making sure there are plenty of roos to box.
Dolphins are pretty smart.
In addition to playing games, dolphins are all smart enough to be curious about what their naughty bits look like. Though to be fair, maybe not every animal has had equal enough access to mirrors for us to know if dolphins are truly unique in this regard. But considering what dolphin penises look like, it’s not that weird to think they’d wanna have a gander.
This is just a thing no one needs.
Unless you truly want to be “that guy” we don’t recommend this. For one thing, it could make checking your phone on the train in the morning a criminal offense. Also, phones are kind of dirty, actually. Probably more dirty than your penis, so for health reasons we can’t condone this behavior. We also can’t stop you from doing it, we can simply offer these warnings, and then refuse to pay your bail money.
This might seem obvious.
We’d imagine if your in a position to want to slap someone’s nipple, this is probably your stated goal anyway. So it seems like all we’re offering you here is some scientific confirmation. But don’t try this at home, unless it’s on yourself, or a fellow consenting adult. This isn’t the kind of ice breaker you want to bring to your next dinner party. Unless you hate being invited to dinner parties.
Horses aren’t as innocent as they look.
Maybe leave this little tidbit out of the list of reasons your daughter can’t get a pony. But still, know it in your heart. For what it’s worth, this does provide a lot of social cohesion. But it also seems like kind of a pain. Although, it’s not like horses have a lot else going on. They don’t have like, cable or anything. And they usually have to borrow Netflix accounts, the bums!
Like a brown snowflake.
Immediately we’re concerned about this, considering that after Face ID, we know Apple is going to be looking for the next best security system. This could be it. Luckily we don’t need to worry about dirty phones touching our butts, however, this would make browsing from the toilet that much grosser. So, maybe we just keep this a nice little secret.
Go ahead and check, we’ll wait.
Who knows who decided to keep track of this and why, but here it is, the least convenient way to tell what hand someone probably writes with. Let’s just get this out of the way: you can always just ask people, or observe them writing something. So many paths to take before we reach down someone else’s pants. Although it’s nice to know we got something out of all that time spent looking at our genitals in mirrors.
With this many men in such a precarious position at any given moment, we should all probably be holding still a lot more. This is a delicate situation, and we wouldn’t want to startle anyone. You hear that, North Korea? Knock it off, there are more important things happening right now. Like circumcisions, lots of em.
Or, you can buy a special bra.
This is probably not something to bring up at a happy hour, but it’s something us ladies could probably stand to keep in mind next time we’re investing in some serious padding. But remember, this fact just says your breasts can grow during arousal. So that likely means plenty of us will be keeping Victoria’s Secret in business for many, many years to come.
In essence, you could think of a vagina as just another mouth. A hole that’s full of teeth. Just kidding, vaginas don’t have teeth. Or do they? We’re not telling. We’re just gonna let you worry about that for the rest of your natural life. But trust us, if women had to brush their vagina teeth before bed you’d probably know about it by now.
This will make the holidays more interesting.
It turns out people over 50 don’t magically switch into entirely different people than they were at any other point in their lives. They’re people just like everyone else, and they do basically everything everyone else does, just maybe less often. Because frankly, they’re tired, okay?
And yet we still haven’t cured cancer.
Sometimes it seems like maybe these perverted scientists should start putting their science brains to better use. Honestly, what good does this knowledge do? Aside from making all women paranoid about how they walk forever, as if there wasn’t already enough to be paranoid about. Although, if you see a grown woman skipping for no apparent reason, there are probably only so many conclusions you can draw.
No wonder he was so good at it.
You’d be a famous artist too if your art teacher was also your lover. And if you happened to be an artist notorious for your lustful ways. It would certainly have kept a lot of us more interested in art class, that’s for sure. And here we were thinking this was all about decorating churches.
Locker room acts.
In 2017 we have the president who is known for his locker room talk, but 50 years ago our president was known for a lot more than that. President Johnson is renowned for his, um, Johnson. And was known to show it off somewhat indiscriminately. A thing that would get you arrested and banned from living near schools if you were just a normal guy, but when you’re president, apparently, it’s just a funny story.
This was something that probably no one needs to know in any capacity for whatever reason, and you definitely shouldn’t use this fact as an ice breaker for anything at all. You also should absolutely not include this in any haunted house decor this Halloween. In fact, let’s all agree to forget this happened, and just keep scrolling. Go on.
Here we go.
Here’s a nice silly fact you can whip out at drinks with co-workers tonight. Maybe you guys can even order some asparagus appetizers and investigate this phenomenon for yourselves. Though, it’s likely this will get you kicked out of just about every bar you go to, it’s all in the name of science. Be sure to remember that for your HR meeting on Monday.
Think before you speak.
If you’re someone who regularly calls yourself or a loved one a dork, now you know the dark reality of what you’re really doing. Though we can think of way worse insults, and it’s probably not even inherently a bad thing to be called a whale penis. After all, everyone loves whales, and it’s wholly a good thing that they have penises. A lot of them are endangered, so what you’re really doing is crediting someone for helping the whale population to rebound. Plus, if this all makes sense to you, you probably really are a dork.
Like a fine wine.
Ben Franklin was known for many things: discovering electricity, writing an almanac, and being a sex fiend. A little surprising considering he wasn’t exactly Brad Pitt, but standards were different three hundred years ago. Back then, any man with two legs and all his teeth was considered a hunk. So a guy like Ben Franklin could do quite well, well enough to become an expert in the art of love. Something he rightly knew was something one could only master with age.
There is one thing you can’t get a conceal carry permit for in Texas.
It is endlessly funny to think about all the guns you can carry just about anywhere in Texas, including college campuses, and yet this law is still on the books. Because as we all know, dildos kill thousands of people a year, and guns just tickle a little bit. Not to say that you shouldn’t defend yourself, but what’s the point in having all that protection if you can’t enjoy yourself?
Keep telling yourself this.
These women are probably liars, but we can’t prove this so we have to believe them. This is, however, incredibly rare, so don’t beat yourself up if you find yourself experiencing excruciating pain during delivery like almost everyone else. And hey, you know what’s almost better than an orgasm? Drugs.
That’s one way to do it.
OK, so, it’s actually something called a “hectocotylus” which is a modified arm with a “sperm groove” and specialized tip. Still. Nature, why are you SO WEIRD?! The more we learn about the animal kingdom, the happier we are to have evolved to the human level.
Hey. Guess how much a boar can ejaculate. You’re probably wrong…
They average 22 mL per…um…session. That’s compared to between 5 and 10 mL for humans. For our friends who aren’t as familiar with the metric system, 22 mL is equal to approximately 4.5 teaspoons and yes, we are sorry that you know that now.
You’ll never think of Knuckles the same way after this.
Two heads may be better than one, but is four heads even better? The answer is no. No, four heads is not better. Let’s just go back to one head, actually. We’ve strayed too far from the light.
The same guy is also the record-holder for his vertical shot of 12 feet, 4 inches. We’re sure that no matter where he is, he’s simultaneously very proud of himself and also questioning every decision he’s ever made. How did it come to this? (No pun intended. Well…maybe slightly intended.)
You may have more in common with sperm than you think.
Apparently, they use them to “smell” their way to the unfertilized egg. They also are super into the smell of Lily of the Valley. In case you’re wondering what kind of flowers to get sperm. Were you wondering that?
We knew Mozart was a genius, but this is truly next-level stuff.
Say what you will about the lyrics, but the tune itself is actually pretty darn catchy! That Mozart guy. He’s going places. Not necessarily the most appropriate places, but places.
Hey! Were you just wondering about duck penises? ‘Cause if so, you’re in luck…
No, they don’t actually open wine bottles.
And duck vaginas twist in the opposite direction! With this knowledge, it’s a wonder that ducklings ever come into being at all. Duck sex is actually way more complicated than you might assume. (There’s a sentence you probably weren’t expecting to read today.)
Do not do this.
Two weeks! If you’re a guy, this is the perfect fact to drop whenever someone accuses you of not being productive enough.
What’s in a name? Testicles, apparently.
Good to know, good to know. Avocados are also named after testicles, actually. As it turns out, testicles are useful for all sorts of things. Mostly inspiring the names of other objects.
Like a self-cleaning oven.
But you do not want to confuse the two.
Trust us on this one.
Is this really the best use of your time?
For whatever reason, Charlotte’s Web totally glosses over this fact. Charlotte could have woven this fact into the first web and that would have been the end of the entire story. No one wants to kill a pig after learning this fact. It’s just so dang impressive.
Now for a word about manatee nipples…
Admit it: You were just dying to know where manatees’ nipples were, right? Well, now you know. Their nipples are located in their armpits. Well, technically in their flipperpits, but that’s not a word people typically use when talking about manatees. Then again, how often are you talking about manatee nipples?
You’d think we would have come to the end of the animal penis facts by now, right? Wrong! Banana slugs can grow to be between 6 and 8 inches long. And their penises can also be 6 to 8 inches long. And those penises emerge from their heads. We’re pretty sure banana slugs — which, as a reminder, already kind of look like penises — are evidence of nature playing a joke on itself.
The mating ritual of the flatworm is legit insane. The animals are hermaphroditic (meaning they have both ovaries and testes). In order to procreate, they use their penises to stab each other in a move very creatively named “Penis Fencing.” Finally, one of the flatworms stabs the other close enough to the ovaries to inseminate the other. True love!
You might want to see a doctor about that.
And not, like, the good kind of erections. They’re uncomfortable and can lead to permanent impotence. But don’t worry. The spider’s venom is being studied for user in erectile dysfunction treatments. What could possibly go wrong?
The telltale bruise.
So not only do have to brush your teeth and floss before the next time you take a trip to the dentist, you also need to refrain from giving any blowjobs. Unless you wanna just let loose and let your freak flag fly. You do you. But fair warning: you may be judged.
And speaking of dentists…
And actually, it worked remarkably well. Ammonia (which is found in pee) is a natural whitener. So the ancient Romans had sparkly white teeth. No word on how their breath smelled, though.
A life well-lived…
The antechinus is a super cute little marsupial found in Australia. Know what’s not cute, though? Dying from stress caused by sex. Apparently, their mating ritual is so wild and frenzied that the antechinus’ immune system becomes compromised. What a way to go!
What a year for humans!
Honestly, the most suprising part about this fact is that the FIRST film wasn’t porn. But of course they wasted no time in using this newfound technology for lascivious purposes. The film is called Le Coucher de la Mariée and only about two minutes of footage have survived. You can watch those two minutes here, but don’t expect to be too titilated. Erotica was different back in 1896, ya know?