In the hedonistic quest for pleasure, humankind has developed some amazing things: the reclining massage chair, Netflix, mojitos and, of course, putting your sexy parts on someone else’s sexy parts and jiggling them about until frothy. Yes, as a species, we are super good at blocking out the horror of the world with minor indulgences that make you feel pretty damn good. And you may be excited to learn that there are those amongst us who haven’t rested on their sticky laurels, either. Some people have seen a cavalcade of squishing and squirting and thought “I can do better!” And of course we’re not saying these people succeeded in any way, but dammit, they’re trying.
Quick, name the one thing that’s wrong with dick. Did you say that robust musk that seems to permeate locker rooms and public transit? Ha ha ha, no. You like that smell. In fact, the major drawback every wang has is that it’s mostly stationary. It’s stagnant. It sits and just is. “Look at me, I’m a weiner,” it says, hoping you give a shit. But do you? Do you still give shits for weiners? If so, I know an Eastern European website you may enjoy.
In this modern age of cars with radios and televisions that broadcast in color, we can’t be content with the mundane, pedestrian meat whistles our grandparents enjoyed over tepid water and stews made from carrots and rat meat. We need Rich Lee and his human vibrator, a vibrating implant that will take your dong to the future where it belongs.
Lee is a guy who likes jamming things inside himself that don’t belong there and the Lovetron 9000 is something he wants you to jam in yourself so you can jam it in someone else and create an ouroboros of jamtastical vibro-humpinations. Basically, it’s a vibrator that gets implanted in your real-life flesh mallet. Once in place, your hum-drum dinky doodle turns into the Buzz Lightyear of ham tubers. Suddenly, all porking is set to 11 and whatever you’re plowing in, on, against, under or through will be all a-twitter with jazzy vibrations and a vague sense of unease. Have you ever tried to drink water from the far side of the glass while someone finger bangs you? It feels exactly like that.
Now you might be saying aloud in your local Starbucks, “Oh, a surgically implanted joy buzzer in the noggin of your albino cave dweller, that’s old news.” But wait! There’s more! You can even sync the Lovetron 9000 to music so that your special someone can finally find out what it’s like to get grundle-chummed to the sexy rhythm of “Jumper” by Third Eye Blind. I wish you’d step back from that intense orgasm, my friend.
All things being equal, the only foreseeable downside to the Lovetron 9000, besides a name that, if uttered aloud, will end all chances of a serious sexual encounter, is the potential flesh-eating infection you could get from having a foreign object inserted surgically into your cookie pounder. Or maybe complications from the surgery that prevent you from ever getting an erection again. Or some kind of dickie drooling caused by a nick in the ol’ hose so that all your piss and jizz shoots out cockeyed from now on and you go off like a fire hydrant in an old-timey Brooklyn neighborhood.
Hey fellas, when’s the last time your special friend bored your ass off by suggesting another blowjob? I mean, good God, why don’t we just look at paint samples and watch Antiques Roadshow, you tedious so-and-so. Well have I got a treat for you! At long last, genius philanthropist and altruist Kuang-Yi Ku has designed a dental retainer meant to improve the experience of getting a blowjob. Not giving one, because that cock socket should be happy to just be here, right? But man, you’re finally going to be able to sit through receiving one without nodding off or reaching for a book.
I nearly made it through Wuthering Heights the last time she tried to “spice up the relationship.”
History is rife with accounts of great men enduring substandard blow jobs just to appease the blowee because men are very giving that way. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve had to get my puddle-jumper tongue-tickled just because I thought it’d cheer the other person up when they were in a funk. I’m the kind of guy who does that. Also, I can’t count the number of times because zero isn’t technically a number, but never mind that. When I do finally get my little Hasselhoff near someone’s humid beachfront property, you better believe I’ll be doing it solely for their benefit. I’m that good. I assume.
Kuang-Yi, a former dentist turned designer turned savior, was pretty distraught with the way orthodontia tended to focus solely on things like fixing your snaggle teeth and patching up crevices in your enamel while totally ignoring the fact that literally everyone ends up with a giblet stuck in their mouth at some point. It’s a brave new leap into the annals of dentistry. A student of all things dental raised his hand and asked “But what about the penis?” And the whole world listened. Here’s what it looks like (no, not in action, you pervert):
According to survey results, marijuana has an awesome effect on sex except for when it totally ruins sex. It does both equally, making it as reliable as a political press conference. But some people swear it’s the perfect garnish to make your slamboree all it can be and more. One survey even said 67 percent of people enjoyed some puff puff pork, so maybe there’s something to it. That’s where hmbldt comes in, a frustratingly spelled company focused on health, wellness, and your groin being so goddamn mellow when it slithers across someone else’s face that you’ll both be all “Cooooool, man!” before discussing all the ways you could fuck a one-dollar bill.
“Duuuuuuude. Can you even see the colors? Also, my erection is utterly titanic.”
Hmbldt: passion and hmbldt: arouse are two blends of weed meant to enhance your sexual experience with a vape pen of humptastical weed formula you dose yourself with before you dose someone else with your pluggernaut. There’s some sciencey jazz about specific formulations with THC levels and the like, but for your part, all you need to worry about is whether or not getting thoroughly baked stiffens something other than your upper lip.
Once you’ve taken the plunge, you need to find a cavern in which to embed your spelunker (or the reverse, depending on biology and personal interest) and then just make the most of it. I managed to find a review online that suggests you will get high using it and when you have sex it feels good, but I’d hasten to add there are very few products you can use that will make sex feel bad aside from certain kinds of hardware, hot sauce, and Tucker Carlson dolls.
What’s the biggest drawback to your sex life today? Is it your unconventionally tolerable appearance? Your scientifically significant hygiene? No. It’s your hot bag. Your sweaty, grimy ballsack, swinging low and lazy, leaving a salty haze in its wake, isn’t it? It’s a mildew-infested pendulum, and no matter what you do, it helps to turn your pencil pouch into a swamp.
Hey, don’t feel bad. On a Sunday in July, my undercarriage could poach an egg and provide its own Hollandaise. I’m with you, man. And together, we can all head to Cryotherapy U.K., a clinic in jolly ol’ England that offers something called Love Mist (which is vastly different from the thing I often call Love Mist but probably more expensive) that promises to increase endorphins and rejuvenate your bits and bobs, while simultaneously dropping them to 160 degrees below. Below what? Below deez nuts! Fist bump whatever device you’re reading this on immediately and give me a Twitter follow because we just became a bonded life pair.
Now I know what you’re thinking: “Hey man, won’t my junk shatter at a temperature that low?” And to that I say “What am I, an HVAC technician?” I’m not offering this service, someone else is and they seem to believe the answer is no, you won’t destroy your goodies. Instead, you’ll feel the same excitement that the Abominable Snowman felt down below when he first laid eyes on that husky, hunky bear Yukon Cornelius. Does that beard go all the way down?
Near as I can figure, you’re not actually taking a full sub-zero plunge so much as they’re shooting liquid nitrogen through a tube at you that starts that cold but probably warms to being pleasantly cool by the time it facebutts your gonad region. There, it supposedly loosens up the blood vessels and makes your squidbilly feel all fresh and fancy-free, which I guess is A-OK.
Crotch Exercise Undies
Crotch Exercise Undies
How much do you hate your flabby, heavy-breathing, out of shape, unemployable moisture mallet? How much do other people hate it? When’s the last time your shiftless grubkin even did anything worthwhile? That goddamn freeloader probably just lazes against your thigh like a bulbous, homemade bratwurst all day long doing but two things: jack and shit. Well no more! Watch this!
Holy balls! Is this wired underwear that connects to an app on your phone that tells you when your taint is getting too Huckabeaten? More or less, yes! VylyV are high-tech undies that will not allow your worthless Spam ferret to rest any longer. Thanks to its innovative whosits and maybe-patented whatsits, these space undies will jab and jiggle your dickhole to remind you to do some lunges or whatever the fuck you need to do to tighten up your ramburglar rubber bands. That would keep it at a respectable 80-degree angle at all times, apparently spewing un-labeled cola like Old Faithful if that video is at all accurate.
The video makes it clear you’ve probably been neglecting the ol’ squeal eel for way too long and it is arguably the strongest muscle you should have. That’s right, fuck your biceps and quadriceps and forceps, it’s your meat muscle or nothing! Hone that thing to a Lou Ferrigno-esque powerhouse. Make your dick so strong that if you get a boner standing in line for the bank, the person in front of you will be crippled from the waist down. Then make sure it’s recorded on your app!
I’ve never been one for “getting the app.” I find that if anything you’re selling me also needs an app, you fucked up making your product because it now requires me to have both a device and Wi-Fi available. And yes I have those, but eat a dick for being presumptuous. You don’t go to a restaurant and endure the waiter looking at you like an idiot for not bringing your own fork and plate.
Still, assuming you’re OK with hooking up your underwear to the internet, maybe this will be the key to you buffing up your bean tickler and ensuring Captain James Tiberius Cock is ready to boldly go where who knows how many people have gone before (not that it’s any of your business.)